Michelle Dawn

For all of you who are "out of the loop"...

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 04:08:22 GMT

Michellebibbens.blogspot.com (no www.) it's my new blog site if you want updates on my life.

oh yeah..

I'M GOING TO AFRICA IN 5 DAYS!!!!! for 3 months. mozambique. i'm heading to do the harvest school in pemba w/ iris ministries, who i talked about in my previous blogs. crazy, isn't it? i've prayed and desired this for so long and now it's at my fingertips and i'm exactly where He wants me to be. praise Him!!!! He knows what He's doing and it's something amazing in all our hearts. God bless you all with His peace, joy and love. see you in the new year!!

My best friend is engaged!!!

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 02:56:07 GMT

we have spent countless hours, mostly in bed on late late nights when we lived together, just talking about what we want in a husband. one time, we even wrote down all the characteristics we wanted to BE as a wife/godly woman for our future husbands :) we've spent a lot of time dreaming (mostly shawna) of this day to come, and it's finally here. shawna rae was purposed to by bram kelly...shawna rae kelly. can you believe it??? i still can't. this is what she's wanted since she could walk and talk. so crazy. i love you, shawna rae, and thank you for asking me to be in your wedding. you're my blood sister. for life. and we're going to have babies together :) :) just wait for me to catch up....it might take a while!

Mama's Day without a Mama

Mon, 12 May 2008 04:21:00 GMT

I love you, Mama.

Debriefing..

Fri, 09 May 2008 16:32:28 GMT

This week has been long and full of activities. But tonight, I am choosing to do NOTHING and I'm so ready for it. I bought a plethora of candles at the dollar store the other day, along with a happy yellow plant from Wegmans that sits awesome on my stool I got out of the trash, in place of my bamboo shoots, next to my little fair trade African elephants. I picked some beautiful flowers off a tree in the McDonald's parking lot and put them in some vases in my bedroom and bathroom as well. And basically, I'm going to do a whole lot of nothing. No computer, no TV, no outside noise, and I'm gonna clean and read in my room flowing with ambiance. God has been teaching me so much, and I've been trying to put it into practice (meditation and prayer are really hard to do during the day with a baby by my side and at night I fall asleep) so tonight I can finally dedicate a night to Him. It's been too long. He calls to me in the night. It's so crazy. My heart comes alive for Him in the middle of the night but my flesh gets the best and sleep wins, but not tonight. I'm sleeping in tomorrow and then going hiking to see some falls at Letchworth and then going to the Lilac Festival, and then having people over for a worship night :) God is good. Life is good.

Holy Discontent

Tue, 06 May 2008 16:24:08 GMT

I am wholly content and holy discontent with my life right now. I talked to Luke last night for a bit and we both have an itch to move, to GO...we're both free spirits. I'm reading/studying James and am reading a book called "Celebration of Disciplines" by Foster. Both are incredibly convicting. This pic is from Sunday. My friends, Josiah and his two little brothers, Nathan and David, and our friend Lydia, came over before we went to see Switchfoot and had an incredible time. The End.

Expecting Miracles

Sat, 03 May 2008 22:14:06 GMT

Just to give an update :)

I wrote Monday about praying for courage and when I said I asked asked God something that I couldn't say,(I can say now), I was praying for someone to go with.

Thursday night I was at Zion's youth group, and another leader, my friend Autumn, was there and I told her everything that God has done to put Mozambique on my lap and heart. She just stood there, no response, and I could see in her eyes she was bummed. I asked her if she was OK and tears just started pouring out of her eyes as she told me that what I'm doing is everything she's always wanted to do. I asked her what was stopping her, and she said her current job, which is being an administrative assistant to Jaipaul, who is a missionary to India (she's a full time missionary as well). So we prayed that night that God would put it on Jaipaul's heart to allow her to go.

The next day I got a call from Jaipaul saying, "So what's this about you taking my staff away from me to Africa for 9 weeks?" AHH!!! THE VERY NEXT DAY!!! God is SO good!! So Autumn and I are going to Mozambique! And Jaipaul is giving us contacts to get hooked up with. I couldn't go with anyone better. Autumn totally knows what she's doing (she's a missionary and has been all over the world!) So now I'm applying for my passport and getting ready to write my support letter. This is so surreal.

I'm expecting miracles, and I want to for the rest of my life. I want Jehovah Jirah's fingerprints to be all over every single detail of my life. Everything, in every circumstance, I want to trust Him enough to know that He will supply for all my needs, all my wants. He's just THAT good.

Imagine me, being free, trusting You totally, finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can...
Imagine me
Kirk Franklin-Imagine me

Long way down....

Thu, 01 May 2008 02:31:21 GMT

I think Jesus likes to dance. I was dancing w/ the baby when I had my heals on and was making a good beat, and he LOVED it and just laughed and laughed, and everyday I worship dance and he watches enthusiastically with pure delight. I figured, God created dancing and He probably loves watching His children the same way the baby watches me. I LOVE dancing and I really hope I can dance in heaven, sweating and losing my breath but don't stop for a minute because the rhythm is too good to pass up....
This is a Chris Brown song (ah!ha)but I, perhaps stupidly, imagine my Creator saying this to me, and it makes me want to dance forever :)

Its a long way down
We so high off the ground
Sendin for an angel to bring me your heart
Girl where did you come from?
Got me so undone
Gazin in your eyes got me sayin
What a beautiful lady
No ifs ands or maybes
Im releasin my heart
And its feelin amazing
Theres no one else that matters
You love me
And I wont let you fall girl

On to Africa

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 03:32:12 GMT

Tonight was spent cleaning, organizing, recycling and dancing haha, but also researching what I have to do/bring/be prepared for when/if, Lord willing, I go to Mozambique. I read through their entire list of things to bring for the Harvest School in Pemba for 3 months, which is what I was thinking of doing come October. I still don't know exactly what it is God wants me to do or where He wants me to be once I'm there, whether it's the school or just a short term trip? But no matter the details, I printed out 12 pages of information and began to get so psyched. I know He has put this on my lap and in front of my face for a purpose, but now I am just seeking His face on when exactly, and what exactly...and then fear crept in.

I have severe middle child syndrome. I rely on people so much. I'm a 100% independent free spirit, but take today for example. I forgot to get cash for my Dad yesterday from the ATM, and figured I'd just write him a check. But apparently, he needed cash, and woke me up out of a dead sleep at 5:30am asking to go to the ATM so he could get the $500 in cash before he left for our cabin in the Adirondacks. I knew it was my own fault, so w/o complaining I got in my car and drove to my bank's ATM but their "24/7 banking" was not 24/7 and was closed. So I went to the ATM at a gas station, and could only take out $300. So I went to 2 other places to get "cash back" and eventually got the $ to him. I got home at 6:30, excited to chill out for an hour before I had to leave for work, and I got out of my car and heard a "hissssss"ing sound. Wouldn't you know, I ran right over a HUGE nail??? :) :) :) I was super psyched. So I called the lady I nanny for hoping I could take a sick day but she didn't pick up her phone, so I was left trying to put the spare on myself. I'm completely incapable of doing it. I had no idea what to do once the tire was out of my trunk. I began to curse and cry, and ran in to plead w/ my brother to help. I'm not his biggest fan lately because our lifestyles are so different b/c he loves what I hate and he can't seem to get over that, but he thankfully put "fix a flat" in my tire, and I made it to work, where the Dad of the baby I nanny for went to the shop and got my tire fixed for me for free!! Hurray God! God is whole heartedly pressing into me the fact that I need to be depended on for the rest of my life, and that people are going to rely on me and I need to do something about it. I'm 21. Why has this taken so long to get? Well, I'm learning the tough way.

So, with all this on my mind, I started thinking about the fact that I haven't even been on a PLANE in my entire life, let alone by myself to a different country. I drove to Wegmans and listened to a sermon on Acts 21 and how everyone wisely warned Paul not to go to Jerusalem, but he was "bound" to Jerusalem, and the whole sermon was about COURAGE!! I couldn't believe it. I started crying in the parking lot because I lack so much courage and am so scared because I don't want to go by myself and asked my Abba for things I can't say on here or to anyone else, but He heard my prayer and I know He'll give me an answer by the time I'm ready to go to Africa. He's giving me courage, and I'm slowly giving into the maturing aspect of life. That is life. My process is just different than others. These are the verses that encouraged me....

Acts 21:12 When we heard this, we and the people there pleaded with Paul not to go up to Jerusalem. Then Paul answered, "Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." When he would not be dissuaded, we gave up and said, "The Lord's will be done."

It's the safest place to be. It's where I wanna be and where He's taking me, not in my timing, but in His.

Parallels

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 17:53:50 GMT

I have to get these parallels down before I forget...

Yesterday, one of my best friends, Andrea, called me and left a message telling me that she had been praying that morning and God had put something on her heart that she wanted to share with me, and told me to call her back. I was totally psyched to hear what was on her heart, and even more psyched that she chose me to call to share her heart with. Then I got to thinking, if this is the way I feel about a girl who, even though my heart is knit to her heart, I've only known for two years, how much more does the Creator long to hear what's on the heart and mind of His creation?

Another one happened today. This season is probably my favorite above all, because I'm able to shed my winter skin and soak in some vitamin D and spend time with His creation, and the old that was in me is being transformed to new, giving way to growth while dying to myself. Everyday, I take the baby I nanny for on a walk, and we have lunch on a park bench by the pond and just relax. Today, he was completely satisfied but sleepy after lunch so I took him inside and made our way up the steps. Usually as soon as we walk up the stairs, he knows what's coming and he starts wiggling and whining, even though he's exhausted. But when we got to the top, I just stopped because he started cuddling with me. I was so surprised when he snuggled up to me and gave me a huge grin with his new teeth. He then rested his head on my chest and I stood in the hallway, standing in amazement in the fact that he had just fallen asleep in less than a minute. It was such a rare moment, that I couldn't put him down for 15 minutes because I was so happy in the fact that he was resting on me.

It reminded me of how I am so many times with Jesus. I wrestle and struggle on my own, while He's asking me to just rest in Him, and that I'll find rest once I give up fighting on my own. I always wonder why babies fight rest. He must wonder why I fight His arms as well. But those moments when I just quiet myself and am still before the LORD are the most blessed. That is where I find rest, peace, joy, and fulfillment. When I'm in His arms, just letting Him hold me...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." --Jesus

He's coming...

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 00:23:00 GMT

Is this a soul that stirs in me?
Is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth
of who I was born to become...
Hope is coming for me. Hope. He's coming...

I danced to this song tonight while parting ways with the setting sun...
Speak to me in the light of the Dawn.
Mercy comes with the morning.
The peepers were a reminder of all creation groaning. Rocks will cry and mountains will kneel in humble abandonment to their Creator.
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for Hope to come for me.
I danced for Him.
For freedom.
For hope.
For mercies new every morning.
The clouds broke and gave way to holy colors followed by the blanket of darkness.

This past week....my spirit longs to feel God's power and love the way I did this past week. The only thing I'm left with is His provision and faithfulness. Is it alright if I stay here all night by Your shoreline?? He isn't giving up on us.

I cannot believe You are angry or unjust
You've done nothing but have compassion on us
So be near when I've given up
Be near me...

Tests....

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 03:44:32 GMT

This is the results of a test I took, and this is who I am??? Sounds about right....

Michelle, you show a slight right-hemisphere dominance with a moderate preference for auditory processing, an unusual and somewhat paradoxical combination of characteristics.

You are drawn to a random and sometimes nonchalant synthesis of material. You learn as it seems important to a specific situation, and might even develop a resentment of others who attempt to direct your learning down a specific channel.

Your right-hemispheric dominance provides a structure that is only loosely organized and one which processes entire swatches of reality, overlooking details. You are emotional in your reactions and perceptual more than logical in your approach, although you can impose structure and a language base when necessary.

Your auditory preference, on the other hand, implies that you process information sequentially and unidimensionally. This combination of right-brain and auditory modes creates conflict, as you want to process data more rapidly than your natural processes allow.

Your tendency to be creative and free-flowing is accompanied by sufficient ability to organize and be logical, allowing you a reasonable degree of success in a number of different endeavors. You take in information methodically and systematically which can then be synthesized rapidly. In this manner, you manage to function consistently well, although certainly less efficiently than you desire.

You prefer the abstract and are a theoretician at heart while retaining the ability to be practical. You find the symbolism in a great deal of what you encounter and are something of a "mystic."

With regards to your lifestyle, you have the mentality which would be good as a philosopher, writer, journalist, or instructor, or possibly as a systems designer or social worker. Perhaps most important is your ability to "listen to your inner voice" as a mode of skipping over unnecessary steps to achieve your goals.

http://mindmedia.com/braintest.html

Chocolate covered strawberries?

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 02:46:42 GMT

Today was a riot.
I worked, and took the baby on a picnic and he fell asleep and
I read :)
His sis came home and we played soccer for a half hour.
I'm not half bad.
I rushed to my girl's Bible study
annndd
ate chocolate covered strawberries...
which got me thinking...

I've never been the kind of girl to plan for things, meaning, nothing. Things come, I do them. I'm a very spontaneous and flexible person. Life is just more interesting that way. But for some reason, I got to thinking of my possible future wedding (?) which I rarely do. Maybe because so many of my friends are engaged or just-married. But I want our (meaning me and my pre-existing husband) favors to be chocolate covered strawberries from strawberries that we grew. Same w/ the flowers. I want to grow all the flowers that are in my wedding.

When I had to write my own eulogy for a psych class a year and a half ago, I didn't get married til I was 29. Marriage is not on my mind. At least the wedding day is not on my mind. I'm up for whatever God wants, where He wants, but I don't want to be typical. Is that everyone's wish in life?

In any case, chocolate covered strawberries are amazing.
The End.

Too Far Gone

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 00:47:40 GMT

Spring is finally here after much anticipation. This past weekend was such a relief, and a spiritual awakening/emotional detox. The weather was brilliant, although I can't wait for May to arrive. Today was another day of relaxation. I lounged around the house w/ Nich til his sister came home. We went down to their pond and played with cattails as the afternoon sun soaked through our pores. I got home and helped my Dad build birdhouses so he can watch them from his office window. While we were setting them up, I saw a foxhole and thought of the verse, "Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but the Son of man has nowhere to lay His head." This is from Matthew Henry's commentary--

Our Lord Jesus, when he was here in the world, submitted to the disgraces and distresses of extreme poverty; for our sakes he became poor, very poor. He had not a settlement, had not a place of repose, not a house of his own, to put his head in, not a pillow of his own, to lay his head on. He and his disciples lived upon the charity of well-disposed people, that ministered to him of their substance. Christ will accept none for his followers that aim at worldly advantages in following him, or design to make any thing but heaven of their religion.

I've been thinking/praying/sifting....and there's still so much more to go. I talked to my Dad about life, my life. It was an insightful conversation, but his values are different than mine. He longs for things that I don't long for. I long to live with the poor, even if it's just a short time in my life. I hear Christ saying, "Follow me, drop your nets, just come and trust and know that I will provide. I am enough." But my Dad said if I'm making that an idol, God won't give it to me. I may just end up getting married and having children......" Is that it? That's where God will take me, even though my heart longs to do so much more before I have kids?? I was in such a disarray Saturday night and Sunday morning til I talked to Mrs. Travis, my friend's mom. Her life looked so similar to how mine looks now, and her desires were the same that mine are, as well! She prayed for me, for clarity, and encouraged me that if I long for God's will to be done, I'm on the right path.

So I'm coming up to another Crossroads again in my life...which way?? I know God has a plan, such an awesome plan for my life. Left, right, or straight. Either way, there's no way I'm turning around. I'm not going back the way I came. I'm too far gone. Africa? India? YWAM? Short term missions? Iris Ministries? Stay here and make money?(what my Dad wants me to do) This is my life and God's plans for me. These desires are here for a purpose....lead me. I wanna close my eyes of doubt and listen to Your voice of truth.

Here are some pics I took tonight.

Halomot Paz

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:47:09 GMT

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

..for the one i don't know....

For you, Mama.

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:15:06 GMT

I carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)
I am never without it(anywhere
I go, you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

i really miss you today, mom.
i miss calling you. i miss your simple things, like buying me little things that made you think of me. i want to tell you everything that is in my heart at this moment, cry to you while you scratch my back and tell me God has a plan for my life and to just trust Him.
i want to thank you for so many things i never got to thank you for.
i want the love that was once there to return.
i want you to return.
it feels like you've been on a long vacation and my heart is just starting to recognize your absence.
but you're gone. and i know in my heart that your love is still there.
i'm half of you.
it's embarrassing b/c it's been so long and my heart still hurts.
sometimes the hurt is strong, sometimes i smile thinking of how silly you were.
then i cry at the tragedy this whole separation thing is.
we were not designed with death in mind
i miss you mama.
i miss your voice.
i miss calling your name...no one can replace that.
soon and very soon we will meet again.
but until then, i carry your heart.
i carry it in my heart.
i love you.

Opportunities

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 13:34:34 GMT

I am SO excited for the adventures I have planned for the next 6 months. I have a week's vacation in April. I'll be camping on Chincoteague Island in Virginia, where the wild horses roam, with some friends of mine from Philly.

Then, my dear friend and I will be going to Oregon on May 8th for 6 days!!! and we'll be camping, once again. These plans are very vague but we're attempting to make them into reality. This is what I want to see....

Then!!! Drum roll please.....there's an opportunity for me to go to Zambia, Africa come mid August!!!! I'll be working w/ an orphanage! I'm still praying for that decision. I've wanted to do YWAM for 3 years now, but I'll go where G-d wants me to go.

The way I figure, my nanny job ends at the end of June. I'm a third of the way paying my debt back to my dad and a third way paying off my brother. Now I have my Aunt and Uncle's debt to pay back, and by the time all my debt is paid off, I'll have enough left over to take the last 2 classes I need to get my associates. I'll take a summer class for that. Then!! I'll raise support for Africa for August. I'm just excited to be used by G-d and to see the different places He's made and the beauty of it all. I can't think past these next 6 months. I've begun to like it that way. It makes me easily accessible to be used for His Kingdom. I'm almost positive I'll go back for my bachelors, but only time will tell where I'll be living and where I'll be getting that degree. For now, I'm taking life one day at a time. He came to give life and to give it abundantly. I want to soak up every day and not let any opportunities slip away....

Soon you'll see...

Don't be scared of what you cannot see
Your only fear is possibility
Never wonder what the hell went wrong
Your second chance may never come along

Hold on now, your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Pete Murray-Opportunity

Past 3 years, Cont.

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 03:32:41 GMT

The summer of 2005 was a taste of God's goodness. I saw His glory. "Taste and see that the Lord is good"....He was so good to me. I found out who I was in Him, and I caught a glimpse of what He wanted for me, for my life. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was to be His, and that no shallow mediocre lukewarm complacent life would settle my spirit. I wanted to keep going, to know Him more. I was sure of my salvation, but this was just the beginning of my journey with my Friend. Shawna and I roadtripped it to Nashville, in search of God, to be used by Him, and both happened. It was incredible. I woke up that summer at 5 in the morning, to watch the sunrise and cry and say over and over again to Him, "I'm SO in love with You." My heart was love sick for Him. "If you see my Beloved, tell Him I am sick with love". It was perfect. My best friends and Lover by my side. Even more importantly, my Mother. My beloved Mama. She helped me sign up for classes again the week before classes started. I got a phone call from her while Luke and I were on our way to Boston to visit his family, and she had the course booklet in her hand and was suggesting classes to take. She loved me so much and wanted so much for me. She hoped. When people have hopes for you, it changes them. It inspires them to take flight.

Even though she was tangibly there that semester, she progressively worsened in her physical state. I would come home from class to find her asleep on the couch while the 5 o'clock news was on (she fell asleep after Oprah :) She didn't have enough strength to walk up the stairs to take a nap. I wasn't even aware. To my oblivious 19-year-old selfish mind, she was just tired. But it was so much more. She would make me grilled cheese as I ran out the door to my night class and wave goodbye to me as I pulled out of the garage. I miss her wave.

She decided to have heart surgery, taking the suggestion of the heart doctors, telling her that it would improve her body and that the fluid in her lungs would digress. We got in a huge fight about a week or two before her surgery. She cried. It was such a stupid fight, too. I wish I had just laid in her bed with her like we always did and just talked and prayed while scratching each other's backs. But that night, we fought. I'm already upset just thinking about it. More later when I can think and see clearly. Tears are healing....

Changes; these past 3 years

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 22:40:15 GMT

God has put back the broken pieces that have been thrown away..

It takes a lot to live this life that's being embraced by our weary souls and finite minds in a way where you can live each moment, be in that moment, and learn from the passing time's mistakes, struggles, and devastations.

This is for me, for the benefit of my soul, and for those who have never known my journey, or only certain aspects of it. I'll start...

January '05.
I had just finished taking a semester off from school while working as a freelance babysitter 40 hours a week from half a dozen different families. My Dad had broke the news to me that he was paying for a semester at school if I got all A's (I did it! 4.0 baby) and I had just bought my car, Rocket, which is the best car I've ever had (a Toyota Tercel). Steve Walker, my first boyfriend, and I had just broken up in October, but he was still not over me. I went to Delaware County Community College and babysat part time. But the best part of this season of my life was living alone with my beloved Mama. I would babysit overnights for this one year old, Jonah, and she would pick us up pizza from the Exton Mall and a black and white malt milkshake from Dairy Queen and bring it over to the house after Jonah went to bed and we would watch a few episodes of Gilmore Girls. When I was off in a rush to get to my night class, she would make me a grilled cheese or BLT and hand it to me as I was running out the door. I would come back from classes to find her asleep to Oprah on the couch, mouth wide open :) We would go grocery shopping together...those were also special times.

In March, I met my current best friend, Shawna Rae Stewart, who also went to the Bridge. Instantaneously we became soul sisters and have been ever since. But becoming friends with her also introduced me to several new people, one of them being Luke Kasitz. Luke and I met April 16th at Shawna's. It wasn't a match made in heaven, to say the least, but we were so opposite from each other that we couldn't help but be intrigued. He was a missionary farmer boy who loved agriculture and Salvation Army, while I was a typical middle class suburban snob who loved Hollister (so embarrassing but true). He opened my eyes to knowing more from God, as did my other best friend, Krista Marie Frishmuth.

I started singing w/ the Bridge Band that spring, too. It was the most beautiful season of my entire life that I've experienced thus far. My baby brother, Stephen, got saved on April 18th, and I was sitting next to him when it happened, Most powerful experience I've ever gotten the privilege to witness. That was also the week of the 24/7 prayer room that the Bridge did. It was a room in the basement at Calvary Fellowship that was open 24 hours for a whole week for prayer. Even before you walked in the doors, you felt His Spirit. Shoes were laid outside the door below a sign that read "You are about to walk on Holy ground". Adam's piano CD played different hymns while the room was lit by white christmas lights hung around the perimeter of it, while people, only 5 per hour, sat in different stations of the room-one being a wall where you traced the outline of your hand w/ a marker onto the wall w/ your prayers, or thanksgivings, and people could place their hands on the outlines and pray. One of the prayers on that wall read, "Today I found God Almighty on 4/18/05" written by my baby brother, who sat in that corner w/ Peter and me, crying like babies at God's grace and love for us. There was a black curtain draped in one corner for people to be "alone" w/ God and to write their favorite Bible verses on the wall. There was a fish tank w/ paper fish inside in it w/ names of unbelievers, a wall for the nations, for communities and cities and schools and churches. The most beautiful times with God was alone at 3am, alone with my Creator....

Luke and I started dating at the end of May. He moved to Brasil for the summer in June for a missions trip and we had a beautiful long distance relationship. Shawna moved in w/ my Mama and me in June or July. One specific occurrence happened at the Bridge one night when I wasn't singing on stage. I had just finished telling Shawna about my Mother's sickness and how she might be close to dying, and I wept, but when I came in to worship in the sanctuary w/ the Bridge Band playing, they were singing Everything by Lifehouse and I fell onto my knees and in utter abandonment to God, I told Him that at this moment, I surrendered to whatever He has for me for my life, for my Mom's life, and I completely meant it. I say this because 5 months later, I would NOT feel the same way I did at that moment. It's so interesting how fickle we as humans are. But even more interesting, is how infinite and perfect and faithful God is to us, and He never changes His mind on us, is never fickle w/ us, His devotion is incomprehensible.

More to come.....

You Are On Our Side

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 01:02:25 GMT

The orphan clings to Your hand
Singing the song of how he was found
The widow rejoices
For her oppressors are silenced now

You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

The runaway falls at Your feet
You are what he has searched for
The rich man is broken
When he stands beneath a sky full of stars

You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

small enough

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 03:34:24 GMT

Oh great God
Be small enough
To hear me now

There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel's den
I had asked you once or twice
If you would part the sea again
Tonight I do not need a
Fiery pillar in the sky
Just want to know you're gonna
Hold me if I start to cry

Oh great God
Be small enough to hear me now

Oh great God
Be close enough to feel me now
(Oh great god be close to me)
There have been moments when I could not face
Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we marched
Around our share of Jerichos?
But I will not be setting out
A fleece for you tonight
Just wanna know if everything will be alright
Oh great god be close enough to feel me now

All praise and all the honor be
To the god of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
Are you there?

And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping
Like in Solomons sweet dreams
I don't need the strength of Sampson
Or a chariot in the end
Just wanna know that you still know how many
Hairs are on my head
Oh great God (Are you small enough)
Be small enough to hear
Me now

this is the song i played on repeat the night before/early morning of my moms surgery...and i prayed this prayer as i saw her shadow moving back and forth in her room, preparing for what was before her...if she knew...would she have gone?...He knew...and He prepared us...my mom and i...

lessons learned

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 19:33:34 GMT

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat.
But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.
And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

As you do not know the path of the wind,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.
When a man found it, he hid it again,
and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls.
When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

Coffee Shop

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 19:29:30 GMT

Forget regret or life is yours to miss

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 07:19:38 GMT

The heart may freeze or it can burn.
The pain will ease if I can learn-
There is no future, there is no past.
I live this moment as my last.
There's only us.
There's only this.
Forget regret or life is yours to miss.
No other road.
No other way.
No day but today.
There's only us.
Only tonight.
We must let go to know what's right.
No other course, no other way.
No day but today.
I can't control my destiny.
I trust my soul. My only goal is just to be.
There's only now.
There's only here.
Give in to love or live in fear.
No other path.
No other way.
No day but today.

Face

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 07:27:04 GMT

isnt this such a (my) Mom face??....
weird that i'm starting to exhibit some of her expressions and characteristics...
this was taken at wegmans by my friend jeffrey marini
this is him:

we have fun. actually, fun is probably not the best word choice.
i'll get back to you when i find out what that word is..
_____.

Come To Jesus

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 06:20:23 GMT

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

This song is the muse for my tears tonight. But God owns them, and He's counting them and storing them in bottles so one day He can tell me that each time a tear fell, He felt my pain....

I miss you, Mama